Ann Landers Advises Son to Leave Family Business
By Wayne Rivers

"Dear Ann Landers:

I am 26 years old, and am married to a wonderful man of the same age. We both have successful careers.  My husband, "Bill" works in his family business. Our problem is Bill's older brother, "Jared." He is a cocaine addict and has been the source of endless grief for the entire family.  His parents have had to raise his children, pay his bills and they even bought him a house.

Jared has been in and out of prison for the last four years because of his drug dealing, but is always welcomed back into the family business whenever he shows up.

"Bill works unbelievable hours and has put his whole life into the business. Everyone has reaped the benefits of his hard work. Lately, Bill has been stressed out because he never knows when Jared is coming back to the office and try to take over his position. My in-laws still own the business, although they are no longer involved in the day-to-day operations. Bill has discussed Jared with them. They dismiss his concerns and insist Jared will always be welcome in the business because, `after all, he is our son, too.´

"Every time Jared comes back to work, he creates problems and steals so much money that Bill is beside himself. He makes drug deals while on the job, which upsets my husband to no end.  The dilemma we are facing is this: Should Bill leave the family business, after all the years of hard work and personal investment? We don't want to do this, but we can't take it anymore."

Fed Up in the East

"Dear Fed Up:

So long as Jared is free to come and go as he pleases, mooch off his parents, take drugs and steal money because he is `their son, too,´ he will continue to do it. Too bad his parents don't see that they are enablers, crippling their son instead of helping him.

"Your husband should leave the business and strike out on his own. I predict that in due time, his parents will be begging him to come back. He can then decide whether he wants to or not."

You can hear the anguish this young couple faces in having to cope with a modern day Prodigal Brother. While the circumstances of this situation may be extreme, one of the distinguishing characteristics of family businesses is the overlap of family and business systems.

Face it, in IBM this Bozo would have been long gone. If he was not a member of the family, it is highly unlikely his conduct would have been tolerated. Because he is blood, the lines between business and family are blurred.

The outlook for the family above is dismal. It is likely that this business will fail, and the family will experience a schism that won't soon heal. Believe it or not, there are many family business situations close to home that differ only in the degrees of their severity.

How do you fix problems with family members who won't behave? The simple answer is that family business owners must learn to separate family issues from business issues and deal with each independently.

As parents and as family members, one of the messages that we send (and rightfully so) to our family is "regardless of what you do we will always love you. We might not like your conduct, but you will always be loved."

That is unconditional love and something we should all offer those in our families. This love, however, doesn't mean we condone or allow disruptive, illegal or unacceptable behavior in our homes or our businesses.

Parents have the right and the obligation to set out reasonable, clear rules of conduct for their homes and require that the rules be followed.

So far as the business is concerned, we should treat family members in a business-like way. First, there should be written rules for entry before any family member can come to work. (If you would like a sample, please contact us.)

Second, there should be written codes of conduct or behavior that track those in your written Employee Policy Manual. If you don't have one of those, you are exposing yourself to serious potential legal problems.

Third, there should be clear understandings of what happens if you do not abide by the rules of conduct.

A first offense might bring about a reprimand. A second offense could result in a loss of privilege, and a third violation could demand termination.

Owners and managers of family companies must be willing to discipline or fire those family members who do not obey the rules. It is only fair to other family members and sends a strong message to non-family employees.

If Mom and Dad wish to fund a child's lifestyle out of their pockets, that is their decision; however, Ann is correct that it only enables the child and prolongs the negative behavior.

But under no circumstance should they allow the business to support aberrant behavior, and it is a gross error to punish all other family employees because of the bad conduct of one.

To do so will almost guarantee the death of the business and the breakup of the family.

Wayne Rivers can be reached via e-mail or at http://www.familybusinessinstitute.com.
Wayne Rivers is President of The Family Business Institute, Inc. Fib's mission is to provide complete solutions to help family businesses maximize their family and organizational success. Wayne can be reached at (919)783-1880 or at info@familybusinessinstitute.com